Monday, April 6, 2009

Constant Vigilance: It's pointless.

I just got firehosed. Again.

For those of you not in the know, being "firehosed" is the result of the following actions:

1. Having a baby boy.
2. Baby boy destroying his diaper, thereby requiring a swift costume change.
3. Opening up his nice, warm, and incredibly goopy diaper to the cool air.
4. Cool air gracing his baby boy junk.
5. Baby boy deciding that cool air on his junk means, "PEE! NOW! EVERYWHERE*!"

*Everywhere includes, but is not limited to: Your face, his face, the dog's face, the wall, the ceiling, the ceiling of another room, the outfit he is wearing and, most definitely, the outfit you were going to change him in to.

Baby Daddy hasn't been firehosed yet. He thinks this is because he's much more vigilant than I when it comes to covering the baby wang. I think this is because he's been lucky.

"You've got to use the washcloth," he says.

"I do," I say.

"It's all about constant vigilance," he says.

"That's impossible. There is always a moment of vulnerability," I say.

"Constant vigilance," he says.

"You just wait. Karma is so going to kick your ass," I say.

This is when Slaggy X III interjects with a knowing smile followed by, "PPBBBBBLLLLLPPPPBBBBBLLLLL." And because he's a baby with few words and much to say, he emphasized his comment by exploding it out of his diaper, through his pants, and all over Baby Daddy's shirt.

"Constant vigilance," I say.

Lesson learned: Beware of this face.


Chris said...

I came across your video of trials while pregnant on MTBR a while back, and have been drawn to these awesome blogposts ever since.

My wife and I are expecting a boy in May. I must say that I'm not anxious to let the firehosing or blowouts begin, but great job describing constant vigilance and its true failure when Slaggy decides the timing is right.

Moxy (the wiggly one) and her people, Anna and Jason said...

I had a talk with Slaggy before he showed up about the need to pee in your face whenever possible. I'm glad to hear that your tummy did not muffle my words.

Fiona said...

Thanks for the blog. Very jealous of your preggo trial skills. Even not preggo I couldn't do that so well.

Every mom in my family calls it the "fountain of youth". I was luckily well-prepared for the eventual eruptions by being trained to have the fresh diaper or a wash cloth ready in one hand while removing the offensive diaper with the other. It takes rapid application of the cover to prevent Vesuvius from drowning all of Pompeii. There is a relatively new product out there called pee tents I believe that serve the same purpose. All that training was for nothing, I had three daughters.

schuzamptons said...

Don't know if this will ever end- we're now dealing with where pee goes while using the toilet! It's crazy!